Gregor Konovalov – Former of USSR

 

This is Gregor Konovalov – Former of USSR but today living now in glorious new homeland of Australia and Torres Straight Island, which you call when on news TV. I am writing this about my experience from day to days.

Today I am shopping in glorious new homeland super market where just to see everything makes very dizzy as not only turnips and beets but everything a person can think. Meat - I could not believe. I count 5 different types, include bouncing animal. In excitement, accidental carried extra two through turnstile for 12 things. Nearly have heart attack and wait quiet but with inside, terror for secret police but they do not come. New glorious homeland of Australia and Torres Straight Island very wonderful place but, truly, secret police here crap.

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Gregor Konovalov again, former of USSR.

Mustafer Ahk of corner shop says Australia and Torres Straight Island do not have secret police. Ha ha I laugh. Most naive. Why you think they called ‘secret’ police, I tell him?

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Gregor Konovalov – Former of USSR – which have BEST secret police.

Attend classes for Permanent Adult Migrant In Australia (and Torres Straight Island would presume) in Brunswick Primary School class 3 room. Teacher Mr Ackland is very funny. He take us outside to show for how driving is different from some other counties, include USSR. He says in Australia (and Torres Straight Island?) we drive on left side of road, and he point to left side. Then he says, that is unless we are coming back, when we drive on right side, and points to right side. This is a confusion for Mr Nang, emigrated from Nauru in Oct 2008, which also has left hand drive, but, he says, not with this confusing extra law and he say he will probably take taxi for the first whiles.

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Gregor Konovalov – Former of USSR

My friend Dimitri who come to this glorious new homeland too with me was ex Mafia, but only little bit. He is in the basics good man. First he is want to find if Australia and Torres Straight Island is interested in some Russian Mafia as he has many connections in motherland but people say to him Australia and Torres Straight Island already have plenty with Asian and Lebanon and now a bit of Arab Mafia as well. Also this question make them nervous as well so now he just shut up with Mafia and work fixing the cars as he was mechanic in USSR military during Afghanistan war and later in Siberia Gulag where he is sent for selling military auto parts to Afghanis, and other misdemeanours against state.

Gregor Konovalov - who has no formal connection to any Mafia. Just making clear.
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Me again (Gregor.)
Roadway police in new glorious homeland in some ways similar to USSR secret police. They have no humour and will not join happy comrade in traditional USSR drinking game. Where is your licence? they say. I do not need licence, I tell them, I am truly excellent driver. Blow into this, they say. Blow into yourself, I tell them and when I try to pat secret policeman on back in good humour am suddenly in handcuffs under arrest. You are under arrest, they say, and blah, blah, blah, which makes me turn from happy to some angry as I have done no thing wrong which I can see and a big secret police punch in stomach and I vomit up vodka to tune of 700 ml along with borsch, potatoes and peas which was earlier my lunch. Next morning when open door flap into cell I explain all big misunderstanding. We laugh and they let me go when Dimitri come and give them $15,000 he has earned with black market auto parts from Brunswick Automotive. They exchange this for ticket which say: Driving unregistered vehicle – Driving with blood alcohol 0.13 – Driving without licence – Resisting arrest, blah, blah, blah. With luck on my part secret police do not ask about car so I not need to say I borrow it and they not need to ask from who and I do not need to say I don’t know. So once again secret police of glorious new homeland of Australia and Torres Straight Island are crap as this would never happen in USSR. I show ticket to Mustafer Ahk of corner shop and he laugh and say, You are true Aussie now Gregor. This is good and I show now ticket to all I meet.

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Gregor Konovalov – True Aussie.
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I find lawyer who accept credit card from USSR, Mr Gordon B.L. LLB (Hons). When I see him he is at desk in shed and I ask why he work from shed and he says, It’s my office, Ivan.
I do not like him but he is only lawyer in great new homeland of Australia and Torres Straight Island who take Great Bank Of  Omsk credit card. I say as I leave shed, Please be careful, my life in your hands now Mr Gordon, and he smile and say, You’d better believe it Ivan. He has keep my Great Bank Of  Omsk credit card and passport and various papers which makes me nervous like a naked man as you do not last 5 minutes in USSR without papers.

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You knows who again.

Dimitri now living in basement of abandoned warehouse. There are rats. It is something about black market going tits up as Dimitri say. I bring food, potatoes, beets, peas and whole salami from Latvia, former state of USSR. He ask if when I come I am followed by secret police and I say it is hard to tell with secret police. Dimitri say teenage children come to set him alight in middle of night with petrol, so not much different to USSR he says and cause him a little sad from homesick.

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Gregor Konovalov

Mr Gordon B.L. LLB (Hons) is not at his shed. Not also is his shed. Person inside house beside which shed once stand says she know no Mr Gordon B.L. LLB (Hons) and has been on holiday in Golden Coast for past month.
I tell Dimitri I will see secret police about this but this make Dimitri very nervous and he begin to sweat and walk around in circle talking too fast to understand. In Serb I think. Also he want his $15,000 back. I tell him I will see secret police about this which make him again nervous.

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Gregor Konovalov once more again.

Dimitri now share basement with Grekko Kobervitch, former also of USSR. Grekko former seller of black market tractor parts in Kiev. Because of this sameness to own trade Dimitri welcome him as brother, even though Grekko talk to people who are invisible.

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Gregor.

Check again for Mr Gordon B.L. LLB ( Hons) but neither Mr Gordon nor shed have returned. Must attend Court Of Pretty Sessions Thursday of next week. Ask Mustafer Ahk of corner shop what happen if not go and he say I will be on run, like Bonnie And Clive. Mustafer Ahk say I must go or they keep Dimitri’s $15,000.

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Gregor K.

Am living now in abandoned warehouse with Dimitri and Grekko Kobervitch. Plenty room for all but stinky as Grekko Kobervitch not wash and live in own stink. I am behind big boilers. Hard to tell who Grekko talking to. Could be me, could be Dinitri, could be invisibles. Can’t tell from eyes as they look in different ways.
Went to Court Of Pretty Sessions but is very much like People's Commissariat where I have been once in Vykhino from where I have unfortunate incident with Moscow And Regional Telephone Book, as Major Titoff use it on my head. I tell Dimitri his $15,000 now give to schools and hospitals around Australia and Torres Straight Island, which what Mustafer Ahk tell me and he tell to say goodbye to $15,000 and he flap hands like $15,000 is bird flying away. Mustifer Ahk is starting get on my boobs. He is from Egypt which is close with Afghanistan so can see my point. Children come in night again to set us alight but drunk and forget petrol so we talk a bit instead. They nice boys. Boys same all over world. We drink vodka and they say will come back another time. Perhaps Friday. I say don’t forget petrol next time, to one and pat head. He promise he will not forget.

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G. Konovalov

Ivan Satsi now live with us. He has accordion and play old Russian folk tunes. Dimitri and I sing along. Grekko Kobervitch conducts choir of invisibles. Grekko angry and say some invisibles are sing out of tune. I think he was talking to me. If not was invisible, not in choir for some reason. When Ivan Satsi play accordion rats come out to listen. Six big rats - we call Lenin, Trotsky, Marx, Kerensky, Stalin and Rasputin. Ivan Satsi play ‘Along The Petersburg Road,’ ‘Happy Balaliaka,’ and ‘Russia Our Sacred Country,’ which is national anthem and make Dimitri cry.

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G. K. (Konovalov)

Petrol boys return. Bring more petrol boys. We teach to sing, ‘Cossack Lullaby.’ We have eight petrol boys, me, Dimitri, Ivan Satsi and choir of invisibles and it is like back in Glorious Homeland once again on Defender Of The Homeland Day. Then secret police arrive and is more like Glorious Homeland even more. One police say to me, ‘Haven’t I seen you before?’ and in great joy I try to kiss and pat back of old friend but he say, ‘Fuck of with that, Ivan, right,’ and once again I am in the handcuffs. Secret police same world over but telephone books half size of Moscow And Regional so is almost like a holiday there.

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Gregor Konovalov, soon to be again of glorious USSR.

So, secret police talk to Government Immigration who talk to embassy who talk to Russian Department Migration who talk to Aeroflot. Leave soon for Glorious Homeland of USSR once more. A little sad say goodbye, a little not sad also. But mostly sad I not see Glorious Torres Straight Island everyone talk about.

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