I used to be a terrible snorer until about six months ago, when I got a mouth-guard. Now, last night, I'm suddenly finding myself farting in my sleep and waking myself up. There is not even the merest vestige of basic respect in this universe.

Well, I’m back again. Short stay in hospital over the weekend after a knife fight in a car park with some old woman in a walking frame. Well I thought it was a knife anyway. She claimed she was trying to fix a wobbly handle, but we’ll just let that one pass. Anyway, I ended up stabbing myself in the arm, which does add credence to the old adage, ‘What doesn’t kill me can still put me in casualty for a bit.’

My doctor’s name is Louisa Hadron. Here is an extract from one of our recent conversations in her surgery.

Me: Just out of interest, do you know there’s a sub-atomic particle named after you?
Dr Louisa Hadron: What are you talking about?
Me: The hadron. They come in two sizes apparently.
L H: What?
Me:  Well, there’s something called a Large-Hadron collider, so I would assume there must be small hadrons as well. It’s in Switzerland. The collider thing.
L H: (Just looks puzzled.)
Me: Actually it runs from Switzerland across into France. Illegal immigrants use it on weekends to cross the border. They climb through the tube thingy.
L H: Look, do you want me to have a look at that rash or what?

I had an interesting visit with my doctor yesterday. For some reason, quite out of the blue, he asked me if I smoked. I told him I had one cigar a day in the evening with my brandy and cocaine. He laughed because he said he believed my dealer was arrested over three weeks ago. I laughed too because I owe him $4,000.

Once upon a time, in a galaxy just over there…no…a little more to your right…a bit more…no, you’ve gone past it…back a little more…yes, there… a completely new and delicious food was discovered. They called it, ‘Food-Plus,’ and only the homeless and very poor ate ordinary food ever again.



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